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The Final Chapter

2/2/2010

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All good things come to an end.   My 2 ½ year adventure has come to an end, but not without some final tales.

The last three months have been a blur, and in some ways, I am yet to catch myself up to the reality of my surroundings.  It all started on my return to London, where I began my two month stint living (the dream) in hostel dorm rooms full time.

THE ABODES

Living in a hostel full time is about as relaxing as going for a swim in the Amazon River.  My main Hostel residence was in London Bridge.  Having the middle bed of a triple story bunk (a 15 bed room no less!), I was based at this hostel the longest, mainly because of it’s proximity to work, but also because they had free Coco-Pops for breakfast.  It was here I confiscated someone’s plastic bags, after a 10 minute period of bag rustling at 4am.  These bags were used by me for a revenge rustling session the next night.  The rustling battle grew as the nights went on, growing from plastic bags to garbage bags to popping bubble wrap (my brainchild), the latter a key weapon to my rustling victory.

Other hostels included a stay in a cockroach infested dump in Paddington, a week up in Hendon, where getting mugged is fashionable, and down in marijuana scented Brixton, where I was offered every drug under the sun per every ten steps.  In between this all were stints on friends couches, a method of sleep I am now very familiar with.

THE LAST JOB

After continual hassling of recruitment agencies (who generally return your call 2 years after you contact them), I finally landed a job doing the highly entertaining task of Data Entry.  This job entailed completing a 33 second task, over and over again, from 9am to 5:30pm.  It was an interesting company, and we death with such characters as (names have been slightly changed to protect identities):
  • The Earl of Portsmouth (who was outraged we would not refund him £2)
  • The Countess of Cornwall (who rang up, devastated that our mail to her addressed her as Countess of Cornwall, and not THE Countess of Cornwall)
  • Lord John Gash (no bracketed comments needed)
  • Rear Admiral Cecil (I cant provide his last name due to the Data Entry-mans Code of Conduct and Confidentiality, and also due to the fact I can’t remember it)
This job lasted six weeks to my UK departure, and while it was possibly the most mundane job I will ever have in my life, the people at the place were cool…except the one 50 year old guy who kept reciting jokes his mum told him (he lived with his mum)…I’m not even sure they were jokes, more statements with an awkward pause at the end…

LONDON LIFE

All in all, my last two months in England were in some ways my best months there.  I discovered the Jamaican backbeat of the Brixton markets, got lost in the Yorkshire Dales (only for a sheep to lead me to safety), bought a suit for $20 quid complete with clip on tie (breaking my $30 record of 2008), and saw a man walk down an ascending escalator at a tube stop, leading to a very comical unplanned cartwheel (never board escalators whilst playing Tetris on your phone).

Other highlights included being questioned in the street by a London detective about a shooting (that will teach me to participate in MOvember), heading up to Sunderland and Newcastle for a third and final West Ham away game with my mates from the North East, and stumbling onto a tube at Tottenham Court Road at 7am, and waking up at 10am as the train pulled back into Tottenham Court Road (unsure if I went for one lap or two!)

THE RETURN

The decision to come home was made randomly and unplanned in approximately 10 minutes, and only a month before I left.  Air Asia was my airline of choice, and after a wild farewell to London (which ended at 4am in a chicken shop with a leaking roof, discussing the history of leaky roofs with a mad Irishman), I boarded my flight very much from another planet!


Air Asia is a unique airline.  No entertainment, you have to pay for your food, and legroom is ample…if you are 10 years of age.  Luckily I had loaded my iPod with films, smuggled aboard a piece of stale bread, and pinched some legroom from the aisle (still got the bruises from the trolley bumps)

None of my family knew I was coming home, and so it was, when my folks arrived back from work at night, I casually strolled out of the kitchen and said “about bloody time, I’m starving what’s for tea!”  I was hungry, so it was a reasonable question to ask.

My first night’s sleep in Australia was only the second night in 10 months that I had slept in a room on my own!!!  After a majority of the year spent roughing it up in hostels, on couches, in bus stops, on beaches, in hammocks, on concrete floors, in cars, in buses, on trains and on a slide in a playground, my first nights sleep was oh so sweet!!

BACK TO THE FUTURE

Now I find myself back in the same job as before I left.  My first day back, I was asked this – “Hey, haven’t seen you in a while, have you been doing different shifts?”.  That question instantly made 2 ½ years away evaporate! It almost seems like I never left!

It is now back to Uni for me, and back to saving money so I can find that eject button again at the years end, when I will be ready for my next adventure, and with it, my next tale!
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News From Ol'Blighty

24/12/2008

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Well, I have clocked up a year in London, and approaching another Christmas abroad.  This year, the Christmas meal will extend beyond a cob of corn and guacamole on crackers!  Having drilled in some extra holes in my belt in preparation, I am ready for a proper festive feed this time round!

Christmas
Christmas will be spent with some good friends of mine.  We will be working our way through copious amounts of Mulled Wine, Eggnog, Roasts, Turkey, Puddings, Apple Pies, Beers, Board Games, Rum and Trifle, with a de-fibrillating machine on standby for the mornings.  It will be nice to be eating the Christmas spread when it is...

Cold!
Life in London of late, has been two things.  Cold and Dark.  The sun comes up at 9am, and disappears at 3pm.  I am therefore working longer hours than the sun, and as such have made a note of this in my CV.  This of course means 5 days of the week, I do not see daylight.  It's not that I don’t have a window at work I do, but it faces a brick wall!  I try and judge the daylight outside by the reflection off the bricks, a skill developed to a high standard, and as such, I have made a note of it on my CV.  The CV is looking mighty fine now, which is always good when...

Credit Crunching
The last couple of months have certainly been interesting times in London.  The credit crunch really is a noticeable force. One quiet Friday at work, 14 people were tapped on the shoulder, and told to bow their heads, collect their belongings, and leave the building (whimpering encouraged).  It was an eerie day, with deafening silence, pierced by the sounds of footsteps.  You just had to hope they were not coming in your direction!  One of my colleagues opposite was shown the door, with an impressive straight-armed point.  We bid him farewell and good luck, before I returned to my desk to watch a drunken squirrel try and climb a tree on YouTube.  A few weeks later, I made the call to resign myself, and as such...

New Adventures
I left my job, meaning no more pinging Wi-Fi internet routers for me, and no more explaining to old geezers using Wi-Fi at McDonalds, why they can’t view hardcore lesbian pornography whilst having a Big Mac, a daily occurence.

So the job hunt begins, nearly 12 months to the day from when it first started.  As to what I will do now, well I have no idea! It is a Europe wide search for a bread-winner now, and it is exciting to imagine where I might end up…hopefully it’s not as a broke bum scraping chewy off the footpath in Romania for a couple of coins (although I did come very close to this outcome)!  But first of all, the reason I left my job was for...

Tour De Europe 2009 
2009 is very exciting, as me and two friends will be doing the trip of a lifetime.  We will be cycling through 19 countries around Europe next summer.  Nothing but pedal power, the open road, cool little villages and towns, and that constant voice in the head saying “are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet...”.

Lots of planning has already been done, taking us through 19 countries from France across to Greece, up the Balkans to Germany and across to Holland.

I have already started training for it in earnest.  I now no longer use the TV remote (on Mondays and Thursdays), and if I want a cup of tea at work, I no longer get the weaker, more feeble staff to make it for me!  With six months to prepare, we are well on track.  The route is sorted, now we need the equipment, i.e. bikes! 

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The London Doorstep

3/10/2008

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Well my Cockney East End existence continues to roll on….innit (the customary way to end any sentence here)!  I have been mastering my shiftiness, trying to model my life on one of the characters from East Enders, and becoming fluent in Cockney Rhyming slang, so for the moment, it remains my Pope in Rome (means Home...there's your slang).

I went to Wimbledon the other day, one of the great sports events.  After joining the queue at the crack of dawn, me (along with 200 odd others), quickly went to hide behind cars or trees and make the sick call to work.  I strategically called my boss when I knew she would be on the tube, and left a message.  However this was later brought undone when she called me at 4pm to see how I was.  Of course, with a roar from the crowd in the background, and the umpire shouting “thirty-forty”, my game plan fell apart…the lesson is never to answer private numbers!  It was a great day all round, which ended with us sneaking into the famous centre court to watch four jokers play doubles.  I even came away from the day with sunburn…another bit of evidence that worked against my “sick day” scheming the next day at work!

Now that I am more settled over here, I have been able to crack on with the travels.  Most of the last few months have seen me gallivanting around Europe.  In fact, weekends in London have become a rarity.  Stops in Cardiff, Dublin, Devon, Manchester, Berlin, Stockholm and Prague have catapulted me back onto the backpacking circuit.  Being back on the road has been great, and has made me hungry to do more travelling, and less loitering.

Some of the travel highlights have been…

  • Doing the Jameson’s Whisky and Guinness Brewery tours…both before midday, then staggering around Dublin in daylight like a true fuelled up Irishmen!

  • Spending a weekend in Manchester, where we were staying upstairs in a pub, playing darts, drinking pints, and arguing with two friends about who truly is the most mediocre AFL football player ever.  It was agreed Jason Danilchenko and Brett Spinks were both the most ordinary, but the meeting was adjourned pending more research.

  • Doing a tour of Old Trafford, the home of Manchester United, which was great. Have also managed to see games at Stamford Bridge (Chelsea) and Emirates Stadium (Arsenal), which all provide a great atmospheres, but the smaller stadiums still have more passion.

  • Visiting my old home town of Totnes, where I lived when I was 13.  It rained the whole time, so we sat in a pub, discussing who truly is the most mediocre AFL player ever…this time we all mutually agreed Stephen Jurica was fairly woeful, and although Greg Anderson’s name was also raised, by sporting such a great mullet and fringe for so long, it was decided we would cut him some slack.

  • Being guided by our satellite navigation mate Tom Tom…who almost produced a faultless display with his soothing James Bond like voice, taking us down to Devon. cOnly once did Tom Tom lead us into a dead end street…and only once did he take us to an old cattle yard!

  • Going to Berlin and being called a child killer for jay-walking! cApparently it is a big no-no in Germany, and I was not setting a good example for the kids.c I considered this over a bratwurst whilst a Gypsy tried to research whether I was a gullible tourist of not!

  • Hitting some nightclubs in Berlin that have sound systems that rattle your rib cages. cAwesome nightlife in Berlin, with well priced beers, great music, and an appreciation for the Melbourne Shuffle I was able to contribute!

  • Heading to Stockholm and taking a mortgage out each time I wanted I pint! cA great city, with some great sites…some of them landscape and architectural.  Most of them of the female variety.

  • Exploring the meandering alleys of Prague, particularly at night in a ratty little pub crawl that ended in cigar smoking either side of Absinthe shots.  After waking up to the cleaners hoovering around me at 2pm the next day, I carried my sore head outside, only to be stung in the back of the head by a wasp that had gotten stuck in my luscious head of hair!  After cursing about it for an hour or so, I dulled the pain with more beers, and more Absinthe….and into the vicious cycle I found myself re-entering!

And last, but not least…

  • Getting up at 4am on Saturday morning, getting on the bus (of which someone had been kind enough to vomit on), and going to the pub for the AFL Grand Final!  That’s right, I was drinking pints for breakfast at a pub, and it was socially acceptable too!  What a game, my Hawks got up, and after soaking the whole pub with a massive spray of the champagne bottle, I was out and hitting London town in celebration, full of song at 9am on a Saturday morning!
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The London Job Battle

13/6/2008

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The last time I sent out an update, I had just recently lapsed again into unemployment.  I guess my idea was that one door would close, and another would open.  Did it pan out that way?  Not quite!

A door did open.  My bedroom door...at around 11am each day for the next month.  My next month would not be spent employed, but following the peaks and troughs of Kevin Arnold and family on The Wonder Years each day!  Joining me in this life was my mate Hardsy, also unable to get work, and when Wonder Years would finish, we would hold in depth discussions on the episodes of the day, even giving them a rating out of ten, and comparing them to internet reviews!  (By the way, Wayne, Kevin's brother, married a porn star in real life.  A bit of pub trivia for you).

After a tough and stressful month, in which a return home was a distinct possibility, I finally hit the jackpot, a recruitment agency that....(deep breath peoples)......called me back, AND answered my calls.....AND got me a job!

THE JOB

The job was nothing special.  Taking calls for a recruitment agency.  After 2 days of training, I was set, and ready to go!  I had just been given my desk, and was all set to put a photo of my family up (well, a photo of The Wonder Years family) and engage in some water cooler talk with colleagues.

Then BANG.....sacked!  Laid off after 2 hours due 'budget cuts' (not that I was on good pay!), without once picking up the phone!  So I cleared my desk (consisting of one piece of white A4 paper.....blank), and left!

The next day, I was called with another job offer...which somehow ended in a job after some running some of my famous charm at the interview!

THE JOB 2

This job was working at a Wireless Internet provider, who provide WIFI to Mcdonalds, Starbucks, Nintendo, Apple iPhones and airports etc.  What do I know about Wireless Internet you say?  Zero, and yet they have me taking calls from people who need support and help.  This is how a regular call goes...

CALLER:  Yes, my wireless modem is not connecting to access point or the router ??????.

ME:  ehh, oh right, well have you turned it (I use the ambiguous term "it" to cover my lack of knowledge) on and off again? (at this point I am feeling quite satisfied with my advice to the person...confidant it will fix everything!)

CALLER:  Yes, but it is still not working

It is at this point I realise we have passed the extent of my knowledge in this field, and my heart sinks as I access an empty room in my brain for the answer!

ME:  Oh, I see...........................................(an awkward silence is created)............................if you will give me your details............(a smaller awkward silence as I plot my next line).............I... will...liase..with...a...technician (hang on I have something here)....and I will get back to you with a resolution (yes, success!)


So while my new job is a lot better than my old job at the gym, I actually have absolutely no idea what I am doing.  But they are praising my work, so whatever it is I do, I will keep doing it.  I just cant help but feel this is another Seinfeld episode, and I am working on the Penkse file!

All in all, I am a lot more settled, and enjoying myself a lot more now.  Managed to get to Ireland for St. Patricks day, and just got back from Newcastle and Sunderland, where I saw Sunderland play Arsenal in the soccer and met up with some mates I met in New York...so things starting to roll along over here....time for some of you jokers to come and visit!

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London - The Job, The Raid, The Humanity!

2/4/2008

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The plot thickens here in London, as the last few weeks have thrown up some interesting moments.  By far the most interesting times have come from my first job, which as of 12 hours ago, but more importantly, having a restaurant raided by police while we were dining, a moment best summed up by the phrase "Welcome to London".

THE JOB
Having made the return to top flight gym management in the crooked East End of London, I was instantly presented with that familiar feeling of…well…not fulfilment, not satisfaction, not excitement of the challenge ahead….more a feeling of "NOOOO, eject eject!"

Let me just run through a normal day at work in this stellar job I managed to land (and dump).

I wake up at 4:30am, and catch the night bus to work, which is loaded with the intoxicated making their ways home from a night out!  I get to my bus stop and walk for 10 minutes to the gym.  As I walk, freezing from the bitter cold, on each corner, a working girl hitchhikes for trade in a fur coat that must be so warm, she can get away with the miniest of mini skirts.  I finally reach the gym and get out of the rough streets of the east, and into this amazing invention called "heating", as a car stops at a corner, and picks up a fur coat (with complimentary lady attached)!

It is not long before the other staff arrive. Most of the lifeguards are Eastern Europeans, and are straight out of a Working in England course.  They refer to me as "Boss", because it has been drummed into them to say this.  I have no problem with this however, what is good for Bruce Springsteen is good for me.

There are also two English lifeguards as well.  One is in prison and is allowed out especially to do his shifts, while the other one supplements his income with armed robbery, lifeguarding as a cover to his young family (they are quite open about all this after I walked in on a conversation!).  I was actually asked if I was a good driver!  On top of that, my boss is a cage fighter in his own time, and comes into work with a new black eye or freshly broken nose each day.  He loves his sport though, where the only rule is No Head butting allowed!  As it would seem, I was the only employee relying solely on the Leisure pay packet to live!

No one can really swim at the gym's pool.  Everyone swims sidestroke and survival backstroke…the strokes you swim when you have a stitch!  It does seem to be a case of survival at all times whenever someone is in the water there…and it is only a matter of time before I would have to have gotten in, or thrown out a kick board, to save someone.

But by far THE MOST disconcerting thing I have witnessed, is in the basement, where there is a massive Sauna, Steam Room and Spa area.  This section is only ever reserved for Male or Female sessions, never mixed.  One trip down there one day alerted me to a disturbing social activity.  Naked men, sitting around a table, casually eating apples whilst they discussed local politics!  In a steam room?  Ghaah.

Definitely a unique workplace, but perhaps not the best fit for me.  And this area is to be the home of the Olympics in 2012! Well, according to the countdown clock already in place, they have 1589 days to get it together!

THE RESTAURANT
With my good buddies Kahu and Hardsy having joined me over here in London, what better way to inaugurate them into London than with a famous Brick Lane curry!  So down we went to Brick Lane, haggling with several restaurants before coming up with the ripper deal of 35% off the bill and 2 rounds of drinks free.

As we sip on our first beer and crunch down some stale pappadams, who should pop in but the Old Bill….10-15 of them. "This restaurant is now closed….but finish your beers" we hear.  So as we sip on our beers and continue to munch on pappadams (which are now serving the same purpose as popcorn at the movies), police slap handcuffs on the staff and are questioned by immigration police.  How’s the serenity!

Can’t wait for the next Brick Lane curry, just have to remember to bring my camera…..and get more rounds of drinks included…mouth was getting a bit dry towards the end!

Well that’s all I have for now….back to square one…the job hunt/midday television
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London. Cold.  Amsterdam?  Also Cold.

2/3/2008

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Well after nearly two months of searching, I have finally achieved my goal of becoming an employee!  With the stresses of the job hunt gone, travelling is back on the agenda. First stop, a weekend in Amsterdam!  

AMSTERDAM
Having decided to go on the day, I boarded another beloved overnight bus, and got to Amsterdam in a super quick 12 hours!  Amsterdam is an amazing city.  Now I am sure you already have some perceptions about exactly what one gets up to in Amsterdam...I say, run with it!  In what other city can you walk past vibrator supermarkets, see super hot ladies being sold in red light shop windows and go and make a purchase at a coffee shop that melts you into your chair for the next 8 hours?  But in all seriousness, such a great city, the the canals often curving you around into getting lost!  Bu it's okay, even when you are lost, there are always cones for fries to help you out.

LONDON
Life in London is unique!  It is a great city, but some interesting inhabitants!  People here are quite simply nuts; not playing with the full deck of cards; the wheel is spinning, but the mouse is often very much dead!  I am sure you get the picture! 

People work so hard here that it sends them bonkers.  Everywhere I walk, people are having conversations with themselves...their voices often operating at high decibels!  Often talk is about some guy called Jesus, a guy called Satan, or a guy called Charlie!  The classic is when they pretend they are on the phone in the tube...despite it being widely known that the tube has no mobile phone coverage!  

Being back in an English speaking environment is interesting. From not being able to understand people, but listening anyway and trying to pick out words, now I am suddenly bombarded by chatter all around me...and being England, most of it whinging!  I think I preferred the mystery behind peoples mindless banter!  

The Tube is a wonderful system for getting around London, but in peak hours...its every man for themselves!  Trains are packed so tightly your nose ends up buried in some blokes armpit.  It's okay though, he is usually reading a London paper...usually page 3, have you heard about page 3?  That’s right, open a London paper to page 3, and you will see Melons, and I am not talking about a supermarket fruit and veg specials advertisement!

Public toilets in London are a cut throat business!  Thirty pence to take a slash...so very frustrating when your busting and your 5 pence short!  You only go when your busting, I guess sub-consciously you want to get your moneys worth from the experience!  Try cheat the system and jump the gate, you will get a tap on the shoulder...mid stream!
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London Renting

19/2/2008

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Time certainly has flown in the fast paced hustle and bustle of London Town.  I have copped more bumps in the streets here than on the footy field back home, which I guess can't be too surprising, being that I spent a fair portion of last season on the bench.

London is starting to come together after a very frustrating start searching for jobs and accommodation.  I finally have a place, so the search is narrowed!  Of course the day I moved in...the hot water moved out, and a cold shower in winter doesn't inspire me really.  We rang our agent about the boiler, but she was away sick, so we spoke to the boss of the company, after the third day of having no hot water.  We were subjected to the following dialogue (my housemate was representing US): 

US: Yes hello we haven’t had any hot water in three days now, whats going on?
AGENT: Dunno......(silence)
US: Its been three days, this is not acceptable
AGENT: Don’t care, not my problem, cant help you
US: Excuse me...are you not in charge down there?
AGENT: Yes, but this is not my property, not my problem (WAIT FOR IT!!!)......stop being a baby (he seriously said this!)
US: Excuse me sir (housemate remained calm), we have not had hot water for 3 days, it's unacceptable, and it's your responsibility to fix it, you have to fix this.
AGENT: No....stop being a baby
US: You are being incredibly rude and unprofessional, we have a right to have our hot water working, we pay good rent for it
AGENT: excuse me (apparently holds up the phone...and says to his colleagues) does anyone think I am being rude....no (back on the phone) no one here thinks I am being rude.....(then he hangs up)
US: (ring back, someone else answers) we just want our hot water fixed, and your manager was incredibly rude to me, is there anything you can do
AGENTS COLLEAGUE: no.....and he wasn’t rude......(hangs up on us again)

Yes, welcome to English customer service!  Tenants don’t have a leg to stand on over here!  Fortunately our landlord is fixing our hot water and changing agents!  According to our Croatian landlord, he described the agents like this, "please forgive my bad language, but those agents are bullshits…!"

Its certainly nice to have a bed anyway....glorious in fact, hot water is a second behind finally getting a good nights sleep after 3 weeks on a couch!

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French Frogs, Belgium Belly Building & London Life

12/2/2008

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Well, after 3 months on the road, I have finally reached the end point (for now) of my travels…and the start of living on the mighty pound here in London!

What has been happening over the last few weeks?  Well I am glad you asked, even though it was me that asked myself on your behalf.

PARIS
After celebrating the New Year in San Sebastian, I checked into another of the luxurious overnight stay at Casa Del Bus, which was kind enough to dump me in Paris at 6AM.  In France, they have this logical system whereby you cant check into a hostel till after the lockout at 4pm…so 10 hours of twiddling my thumbs and singing in my head 10000 Green Bottles Sitting on the Wall…and I was in!  

Soldiers carrying semi automatic weapons under the Eiffel Tower, which seems to keep the pickpockets at bay quite well.  Gypsies are always asking you if you speak English though (so they can scam you)…my standard response was "pardon…Ingles, no, no parlez-vous Ingles….sorry mate!"

My trip in Paris was capped off with a solid little pub crawl with some fellow travellers!  To beat the cold in between pubs, they ply you with orange vodka to keep warm!  After the third bar, we were cooked and had lost everyone (as well as my vision!).  We partook in a spot of hurdles at the subway gates due to a lack of money, and boarded the train…before security could finish their croissants and catch us, I mean lets face it, they would have had to dust off the crumbs as well. Awesome city though, I highly recommend it....except do some stretches before hurdling at the subway!  Wheres that ice…

BRUSSELS
I was only in Brussels for a day, but the land of Chocolate, Beer, Mussels, Waffles and plain looking female Tennis players did not disappoint!  All the chocolate shops have chocolate fountains in the windows, and you cant help but dream of sticking you gob underneath and keeping it there!  One pub had 1000 different types of beer…unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) they were closed the day I was there!  You only need a day here....which should be enough to pack on a good 10KG's really.

LONDON
London Town.  The budget plane ride that cost me 1 Cent, was not so budget after all! My bag was 4kg over the limit….and at 8 EURO per KG, they should be able to have a pretty good staff Christmas party next year!  Of course, the plane was only a third full, so I'm sure we weren't't in any danger of being too heavy!  It was a 30 minute flight, so basically the plane goes up, they come around and give you tea or coffee, then the plane goes down, and they come and collect the tea and coffee before you have had a chance to finish it!

Life in London is slowly coming together.  At the moment I am living in a mixture of hostels and friends' couches as I search for work and a place to live.  I have invested in a map and an umbrella, and bought some shoes without holes in the bottom, so things are looking up!

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